I guess we'll start again

We lost our little one last weekend.

I had been bleeding and ended up in urgent care, where I got an ultrasound that showed the baby was only measuring 4 weeks, when I should have measured 7. I think that was when I knew that things weren't going to end well, but Scott kept up a positive attitude and only realized that things were ending after a visit to the OB where he laid out our options. We chose to wait and let my body take care of everything rather than have surgery, then went to Seattle for two days to see my aunt and goddaughter, which was wonderful--it was the best way to keep our minds off of things, even though we discussed it a lot with my aunt, and later, my parents. The night before Halloween, we were at my parents house for dinner and I started cramping, and after 3 hours, I told Scott that I needed to go home. I got in the tub for another hour or so, and when I got up to use the bathroom, I knew that I had miscarried.

I cried a lot, Scott cried, but we are both resolved to move on and not let this have any effect on our next pregnancy. We're praying that my hormone levels drop to where they need to be to get my body back to normal, and then we'll start trying again! We will have our baby, eventually, but this first pregnancy and child I will always carry in my heart.

Week 5

How Far Along? 5 weeks, 5 days (but the Midwife might have another opinion on that when we see her)

Maternity Clothes? I'm wearing this band of fabric I got at Target that's supposed to keep you in your regular jeans longer, but it's a HUGE pain in the ass, so I might have to bite the bullet and buy some this week.

Weight Gain? Nothing--my 'bump' is a gas baby...

Stretch Marks? You must mean new ones. Since I have PLENTY of not-new ones. Surely this pregnancy won’t NEED to add any more.

Sleep? Not enough. I wake up and am exhausted an hour later. I seriously took a nap this morning at 10am.

Best Moment of the Week? Telling my parents! They each got a board book called "Grandma/Grandpa and Me" and opened them at the same time.

Movement? Nope.

Gender? No clue. Which is reasonable, since I don't even feel like there's a baby yet!

What I miss? I guess having any energy.

Symptoms? Exhaustion. Being either ravenous all the time, or feeling queasy because I didn't eat right away. Bloating. Constipation (fun!).

What I’m looking forward to? Meeting with the Midwife for the first time and getting this pregnancy confirmed by someone other than me and Scott!

Weekly Wisdom: Eat. Just do it.

Milestones: Another week down!

Emotions: I've done the almost-cry a few times. Mostly by watching YouTube videos of people telling their parents that they're pregnant. Wait until I catch the ASPCA commercial on TV. That will send me over the edge!

Yes, honey, those are two lines on that stick...

It's true--we're pregnant! Which, let me tell you, is INSANE. No matter how long you've been trying (and especially if you haven't, I suppose), the moment you see two lines on the pregnancy test, you have a million thoughts running through your head, beginning with, "Oh my God. What have we done??" But we're thrilled. And nervous. And excited. And petrified...

Back to the beginning. The first weekend in October, I had the brilliant idea to try a juice fast. I have to admit, I felt terrible. I had no energy, I was sleeping terribly, and I wanted solid food, in addition to the added bonus of not being able to use the bathroom. I stuck with it for three days, but on Sunday night, I told Scott that we were going out for Pad Thai because there was no way that I was going to be able to do this for the full 15 days. Monday came and went, and I still felt gross, but chalked it up to my period starting soon. Being the impatient lady that I am, on Tuesday night, I took a pregnancy test, and lo and behold, there was the faintest second line on it. I bounced into the bathroom and shoved it under Scott's nose, demanding, "What do you see? What do you see???" and of course, he couldn't see the sec

ond line. The next morning, I went to Fred Meyer to buy another pregnancy test, which I took in the bathroom of the store--positive!

I drove to Target, where I bought two "I love Daddy" onesies to wrap up and give to Scott that night--he still didn't believe it until I told him 3 or 4 times that we were pregnant! From my calendar, I'm 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant, but who's counting, right?

Pre-baking a baby

Or should it be par-baking? Anyway.
Getting pregnant should be exciting. And it is, don't get me wrong. It's an amazing new step in you and your partner's life together, but mostly? It's weird. Physically and mentally weird.

You begin by taking special vitamins that are advertised to make your body ready to carry a tiny human. But really, they're gigantic horse-sized pills that I believe to taste like something you'd find on the bottom of your shoe after you mow the lawn or do some heavy duty weeding. Plus, apparently, according to the internet (thanks a lot!) you have to find ones that are all natural, have vitamin X, but not mineral Q, and preferably don't cost the same amount as a very nice meal out. Good luck with those, by the way.

Then, it's the mental conundrum. As a female in her mid-twenties, for the past 10 or so years, I had a constant stream in the back of my head, "Don't get pregnant. Getting pregnant would be terrible. Condoms condoms condoms." While useful in high school, college, and beyond, having that voice interrupt my thoughts now, when I'm happily married, employed and able to care for a child is totally unfortunate! And in case you're wondering (probably not, but anyway), asking your husband, "Are you sure?!" in a panicked voice kind of ruins the mood, if you know what I'm saying. That mental shift from wanting to have a baby in a hypothetical sort of way to actually trying is really difficult. I suppose part of me still thinks of myself as a 19 year old girl, out of high school, traveling through Europe with my whole life ahead of me. But I am ready. Scott and I both are. Just getting out of the mindset is proving to be more difficult than I expected.

When you're trying/thinking about trying/longing to try, prepare to see babies everywhere. Ikea is apparently not only a Mecca for DIY-ers and those who don't want to spend more than $100 on a couch, but also for those who are VERY pregnant. Everywhere I looked there was another mama-to-be, pushing a cart laden with any number of organizational materials. Apparently, Ikea is the one-stop-shop for those who nest.

But it's not all weird. It's a wonderful, intense, emotional time in a couple's lives. Preparing to prepare for a new member of your family is a crazy and lovely thought. Making the dream you've been dreaming of for years actually begin to happen is the best feeling ever. Second, I imagine, only to holding your new baby for the first time.

Reading and a Rant

Disclaimer, before anyone bites my head off for being anti-Julia Child. I'm not. I'm anti-Julie.

I just finished Julie & Julia. The book, not the movie. My mom and I saw the movie when it came out (last summer?) and enjoyed the Julia parts a whole heck of a lot more than the Julie parts. When my mom grabbed the book at a book swap a few months ago, I snagged it when she was done reading it. And man...do I have an opinion about this book.

Is Julie the most ungrateful, annoying awful woman imaginable? Well, probably not, but damn if she isn't close. When she's not screaming at her husband, complaining about her job, and whining at the fact that her freaking aspics don't turn out aspic-y enough, she's completely lost sight of the fact that this crazy project she took on was something SHE TOOK ON. She chose to do it, and she could have chosen to quit, rather than almost sacrifice her marriage and sanity. But no. She screeches about pastry dough. And then drinks. She laments cutting up a lobster while it's alive, and then does it anyway. She yells at her husband, who, if I were in his position, would have had his bags packed and his lawyer on speed-dial. She yells at her mother. If I yelled at my mother, while she was trying to explain that in fact, this project is TERRIBLE for my mental health, she would scream right back, and tell me that I was being a crazy bitch, and until I wanted to apologize, she'll step out of my life.

Am I the only one who had this reaction to heinous Julie? I can't be. She's as bad as the woman from Eat, Pray, Love. Don't even get me started on her.

June Resolutions

It just makes sense to me to make two sets of resolutions. One set on January 1st—the ones that you always mean to keep but never do (mine usually involve some sort of weight loss/gym attendance/spiritual transformation theme), and one in June. The June resolutions welcome the summer—sun, outdoor activities, a brighter outlook on life rather than the dark, dismal view one usually has in January in the Pacific Northwest. Granted, our weather here still thinks we’re in March, but that’s another story.

My June (or half-yearly) resolutions are:

1. Transition into organic, all-natural foods. Especially avoid high-fructose corn syrup and mysterious dyes. I won’t throw out the things in my fridge and cupboard that do have them (because what a waste of money that would be), but as I finish the last of the mayonnaise in my jar, I’ll find a more “healthy” alternative to replace it with. Although, I’m not sure if there even is a healthy alternative to mayo…I know there’s Vegannaise, but what exactly is IN that??
2. 2. Dwell on the positive about myself. This is going to be hard for me. I’m not really a negative person, but I do find that I focus a lot on what people think of me, then I pick apart myself to the point of a slight depression. Instead, I’ll try and do this: “Do I have a bit of an attitude when people ask me the same question for the 18th time and expect to get a different answer? Sure! But it doesn’t mean that I’m not nice/sweet/funny/caring. This is just practice for when I have children.” I’ll compliment myself rather than beating myself up over something mundane.
3. I won’t harass my husband about said future children. Do I want babies? Desperately. More than I can possibly make him understand. Since trying to make him understand usually devolves into my mentioning it every 15.67 seconds (which for some reason, he doesn’t appreciate—go figure), I’ll keep it to myself and peruse online at mama blogs and teensy tiny little baby socks. And make a HUGE list of bookmarks on my computer for later.
4. And lastly, since we will be trying to have a baby soon (!), if it doesn’t happen right away, I won’t beat myself up. I will do my very best not to expect a miracle pregnancy right out of the gate, and I’ll wait an appropriate amount of time before bringing my fears to my husband and my doctor. I’ll focus on being healthy and enjoying time with my husband and dogs before we add another human to the mix.

For some reason, those resolutions seem more attainable than the vague, “Lose 20 pounds by X date” goals that I always manage to set for myself and subconsciously forget. There is something tangible and real about making goals you know you can accomplish. And of course, celebrating the accomplishing!

New beginnings

This weekend has really been three days for the record books. Friday night, Scott picked me up from work and we drove downtown with the sunroof open and AC/DC blasting from our (blown out) speakers. We parked in the Pearl and did some shopping at Penzey's Spices, then headed into Powell's Books. Scott found the second book in a series he's been reading, and I actually bought two baby name books. I think Scott finally got tired of me suggesting ridiculous names (Eustace, anyone?) and told me to just "buy a damn name book already". We ate dinner and enjoyed the amazing weather at the Deschutes Brew Pub where we had an amazing small-batch Belgian beer.

Saturday morning I chatted with a friend who is living in Tel Aviv on Skype (hi, Ellen!) and went outside to finish pulling weeds in the front part of our lawn. Weeds have multiplied since we yanked out the Arborvitae, and since we'll be putting a fence there in the next few weeks, it was kind of now or never! We read some of the baby names and began a huge master list that I'm sure will be checked and cross-checked many times before we actually get pregnant, not to mention before we actually have a baby.

Sunday, we went to church and lazed around the house all day--seriously, we took a two hour nap, and then when to Target and another bookstore, where I picked up Gwyneth Paltrow's cookbook (it looks amazing, I'm making dinner out of it tonight). It was nice to relax together and actually talk about our family and our plans regarding Scott's grandmother and how such a huge decision will affect us.

But now it's Monday, and I'm so not ready to return to work! Bring back the 4-day work week!!